


Acorn

by lunar_bf



Series: Growth Stages [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, seriously be careful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2019-01-01 05:49:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12149946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunar_bf/pseuds/lunar_bf
Summary: There is a tall, tall, tree. There is a boy with swimming blue eyes. And there is an ache, deep and decaying. You do the math.





	Acorn

**Author's Note:**

> SERIOUSLY this is just evan's suicide attempt. i wrote it as a vent fic so? pls be nice.. like comment subscribe goodnight gamers

The twigs snapped under his feet. The sun made his skin warm. He was going to kill himself. The breeze felt nice. The birds were singing. 

He was going to kill himself.

This should scare him, of course it should. He should be messy and sweaty and shaking. But he wasn’t and wasn’t that just hilarious! All his life he’d been just that and hated himself for it, been teased and picked apart for it. But now that he was going to die, finally finally finally, all these dreaded things were gone. Evan almost laughed at the irony. But there was nothing left to laugh with, he didn’t think. Nothing left inside Evan Hansen except a hard and painful mourning. 

He wished he couldve been better. He wished he was something, anything, instead of the worthless nothing he was. He wished he was smart, or funny, or nice, or even mean. He wished he could help his mom instead of making her work harder and harder all while he couldn’t even answer the door for pizza without wanting to throw up, much less apply for a fucking job. he wished he was someone Jared liked so he wouldn’t have to be reminded over and over that he’d never had a real friend and never would. He wished he was okay. He wished he wasn’t so broken and ugly. He wished so badly. It hurt so badly.

But, shit, when do wishes ever come true.

So he walks, one foot after the other, away from his all his thoughts and broken pieces. He’d left them vomited on a sheet of paper, on the dashboard of his car in the state park parking lot. He heads toward the tallest tree in the forest. It wasn’t like he actively asked but he’d heard some of the rangers talking about it and had very deliberately not forgotten. He reaches it faster than he thought he would. Or maybe he’d lost track of time. Evan stares up at the thick trunk in front of him.

So he climbs, one branch then to another, up and up, higher and higher. Maybe, distantly, his limbs ache from the exertion, maybe his breath is labored, but he doesn’t feel anything at all except for the painful numbness and the disgusting relief. 

Eventually, he gets so high that none of the branches above him will support his weight. He pulls himself fully onto the branch and he sits. The world is beautiful from so high up. The sun is pure gold, and it paints his whole body with warmth. The leafy trees below catch the light as well and shimmer in the wind. Far beyond the borders of the park he sees cars and buildings and people. None of it feels real.

He feels like he should do… something. These were his last moments, right? After this, there’d be no more Evan Hansen. He should say some famous last words. Curse the world for all his pain and loneliness. Apologize for everything shitty he’s done. But, he just wants to cry. So he does.

He cries for what feels like hours, but couldn’t’ve been more than 15 minutes. He wails, screaming and letting out everything, every self-deprecating thought, every urge to hurt himself, every pain he’s felt since the unlucky day he was born. Tears pour from his eyes, pooling on his chin, dripping on his hands folded in his lap. He shakes like a man possessed, wracked with ugly sobs. He cries until he can’t anymore. Not because everything clogged in his chest is gone, but because his eyes are dry. Well, he’s losing daylight anyway.

Evan takes a breath. In for seven, hold for four, out for eight. Just like Dr. Sherman taught him. He smiles bitterly. 

Then, he lets go.

 

He comes to on the ground. His head aches like hell. His left arm is completely numb. He feels nothing. 

He figures there’s no use trying again; he can’t climb. He pushes himself to his feet with one arm. He’s unsteady, but he can walk. He heads down the trail he came from. The sun is setting and the air feels cool on his skin. He feels fucking nothing.

He hobbles to his car, one of the only ones left in the parking lot. He slides into the driver’s seat. He takes the note from the dashboard, crumples it up, and pops open the glovebox to shove it inside. He closes the door and buckles his seatbelt. He puts his keys in the ignition. Fuck. Fuck FUCK.

For the second time that day, Evan breaks down in tears. How, how could he fucking mess that up?! He chose the tallest tree. He made sure he wouldn’t hit any branches on the way down. He even fucking told his mom he was at Jared’s so she wouldn’t come looking for him. He’d done everything right. He was sure he could do this one thing right, just this one thing. He couldn’t order food or make friends or be happy, but he could kill himself, right? Anyone could do that, it was easy, right?! God, apparently fucking not. He wants to scream. He wants to bash his head against the steering wheel and finish the job. 

He turns the key, and heads towards the hospital.


End file.
